the luggage comes too
how pre-adoption experiences shape post-adoption realities
Children who are adopted—whether as infants, from foster care, or internationally—carry experiences with them. And those experiences shape how they adjust to new environments, relationships, and expectations.
what we know from research
Early years matter.
Kids adopted at birth or shortly after usually don’t show much difference from non-adopted peers… until early elementary school. Then, challenges often begin to emerge—and tend to peak in adolescence before leveling out in young adulthood.
Older age at adoption = higher risk.
Kids adopted after infancy—especially those who’ve had multiple placements or significant early adversity—are more likely to struggle with mental health and developmental challenges.
Trauma has a lasting impact.
Abuse, neglect, institutional care, prenatal substance exposure, and chronic stress can impact brain development, emotional regulation, attachment, learning, and behavior.
Placement matters.
Every placement disruption chips away at a child’s sense of safety and stability. More moves before adoption typically means more adjustment issues after.
Grief and identity are big themes.
Even in the most loving adoptive homes, kids may struggle with questions about where they come from, what they've lost, and where they belong—especially during adolescence.
what shapes how kids adjust
before adoption:
Genetic vulnerability to mental health conditions
Prenatal risks: exposure to substances, maternal stress, birth complications
Trauma: physical, sexual, or emotional abuse; neglect; witnessing violence
Number of placements or time in institutional care
after adoption:
Attachment relationships with adoptive caregivers
Parental emotional health and flexibility
Parenting style, communication, and expectations
Openness about adoption
Access to post-adoption support and services
protective factors that actually make a difference
Let’s talk about what helps—based on research, not quick fixes.
Strong, secure attachments. Kids need safe, predictable adults who respond to them with warmth and consistency. That’s the foundation.
Positive parenting. A mix of structure and nurture goes a long way. Think clear expectations, good boundaries, and emotional attunement.
Realistic expectations. Adjustment is not a quick fix. Families who go into adoption understanding this are better equipped for the long haul.
Cultural identity and connection. For children of color or those adopted transracially/internationally, maintaining ties to their culture of origin is not optional—it’s protective.
Open, honest communication. Not just about adoption, but about all of it—feelings, confusion, grief, questions. Silence can feel like shame.
Support that actually helps. Informal and formal support systems matter: trauma-informed therapists, understanding educators, flexible workplaces, inclusive communities.
don’t forget the adults in the room
A key piece of adoption adjustment is how prepared and supported the adoptive parents are. We ask a lot of them—and they’re often figuring things out while trying to meet complex needs.
Therapeutically, it’s not just about the child. We need to assess parental attachment styles, coping skills, mental health, and expectations. When parents have their own unaddressed struggles, it affects how they show up—and how their child heals.
Adoption can absolutely be a positive turning point—but only when we account for the full picture. That means seeing the grief, the history, the trauma, and the hope. Kids don’t need perfect families—they need attuned ones. And families need support that lasts beyond the placement day.
