more than words

rethinking the way we talk about adoption

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been asked:
“Do you know your real parents?”

… let’s just say Ellie and Callie would be living like queens, and I’d have a standing reservation at every restaurant on my Chicago foodie list

It’s a question that’s usually meant with curiosity, not harm. But the impact? That’s another story.

When people say “real” parents, they’re unintentionally suggesting that adoptive parents aren’t real—that the relationship isn’t valid, that the love is somehow less than. And for those of us who are adopted, that kind of language can land hard. It can chip away at our sense of identity, make us question what “family” even means, and stir up the exact insecurities we’ve spent years trying to untangle.

Words carry weight. They don’t just describe our experiences—they shape them. They reflect what society believes about adoption, about families, and about what makes someone “real.”

That’s why I care so much about positive adoption language.

Let’s talk about where the language around adoption came from, what needs to change, and how even small shifts in how we talk can make a big difference.

back to the beginning

Let’s take a phrase you’ve probably heard a million times: “put up for adoption”

If it sounds old-school, it’s because… it is.

This phrase actually comes from the Orphan Train era (1854–1929), when about 250,000 orphaned children were sent by train across the U.S. and Canada to new homes. When the trains stopped, kids were literally put up on platforms so adults could look them over and decide whether to take one home.

Yep. Like a doll on a shelf waiting to be chosen. YIKES.

So when we say someone was “put up for adoption,” we’re echoing a practice that was more about public display and selection than about love, choice, or care. Most people have no idea about that history—but knowing it makes you think twice about the language we’ve normalized.

the shift toward positive adoption language

In the 1970s, a social worker named Marietta Spencer started something that would change how we talk about adoption. She introduced the idea of positive adoption language—because even back then, she saw how terms like “real parents,” “gave up,” and “illegitimate” shaped the way people viewed adopted kids and families.

Her idea was simple: use words that affirm adoption as a valid, loving way to build a family. Replace emotionally loaded terms with accurate, respectful ones.

Here’s what that looks like:

• “real parent" → birthparent

• "adopted child" → child

• "give away," "give up," or "put up" → made an adoption plan or chose adoption

• "adoptive parent" → parent

• "unwanted pregnancy" → unintended pregnancy

• "giving away your child" → choosing an adoption plan

• "keeping your baby" → parenting your baby

why it matters

Language plays a role in shaping perceptions and influencing how we view the world around us. In the case of adoption, the language we use can have a powerful impact on how adoptees, birthparents, and adoptive parents see themselves and each other. Words are more than just labels—they convey attitudes, reinforce beliefs, and often influence the way we form connections and understand complex experiences.

When we use positive adoption language, we’re helping to build a more accurate, respectful, and supportive narrative around adoption. This language recognizes that adoption is a loving, intentional way to form a family, rather than something that involves “giving up” or being “unwanted.” It affirms that children are chosen, not discarded, and that the people who choose to parent them are doing so out of love and commitment.

By making conscious choices in the words we use, we can shift cultural perceptions, promote healthier self-esteem in adoptees, and create a more welcoming environment for adoptive families. This small yet meaningful shift can help eliminate stigma and make adoption a more positive and inclusive experience for everyone involved.

what you can do—even if you’re not adopted

Here are a few easy ways to start:

• When in doubt, ask how someone prefers to talk about their experience.

• Model affirming language in front of others—even if you’re the only one doing it.

• Share the importance of positive adoption language and gently correct misunderstandings when you hear them.

It’s okay to make mistakes. What matters is what we do once we know better.

Changing the way we talk about adoption isn’t a quick fix for all the complex feelings that come with it—but it is a step.

It’s a way to show that we see, respect, and value people who have experienced adoption from all sides—whether they’re adopted, placed a child for adoption, or parent through adoption.

It’s a way to create space for people to explore their stories without shame.

And honestly? It’s a way to just be kinder.