“gotcha day” is just the beginning

Adoption is often talked about as a moment in time. A signature on paper. A finalization in court. A joyful “Gotcha Day.” But for adoptees, adoption isn’t just something that happened—it’s something that continues to shape how we move through the world.

It’s not over when the paperwork is filed. It’s not done when the baby is placed in loving arms. And it certainly doesn’t disappear just because we’ve “adjusted” well.

Adoption is lifelong. It shows up differently at different ages and stages, sometimes quietly and sometimes loudly. And when we don’t talk about those lifelong impacts, adoptees can be left feeling confused, isolated, or misunderstood.

So let’s talk about it.

adoption: not just a one time event

how it shows up at different ages and stages

🍼 infancy:

Even when adoption happens at birth or in infancy, it can still leave an imprint. Clinically, we know that early separation from a birth parent is a significant loss—even if the child has no conscious memory of it. In clinical terms, this is often referred to as preverbal or implicit trauma—a loss stored not in narrative memory but in the body’s physiological responses.

Attachment can be impacted, too. Infants are biologically wired to bond with their primary caregiver, and when that connection is disrupted, the nervous system can experience it as a trauma. Even in safe, loving adoptive homes, infants may show signs of hypervigilance, difficulty self-soothing, or a heightened need for proximity—early adaptations to separation and uncertainty.

🧸 childhood years:

In early childhood, adoptees begin to develop a basic understanding of adoption. They might repeat what they’ve been told—“I was adopted when I was a baby”—without yet grasping the emotional weight of that story. But even at this stage, children are trying to make meaning.

Adults often make the mistake of assuming that because young children aren’t asking detailed questions, they aren’t curious or affected. But silence doesn’t mean absence of thought. At this age, adoptees are absorbing emotional cues—how others talk about adoption, whether it feels safe to bring it up, and whether differences are acknowledged or avoided.

* From a clinical perspective, this stage is crucial for laying a foundation of openness, helping children begin to internalize that it’s okay to talk about their adoption story—and that it’s a part of them, not something to be hidden.

As children grow, so does their awareness. Around elementary age, many adoptees begin to understand what it means to have a biological family they are no longer with. Between the ages of 7 and 12, adoptees become more capable of abstract thinking—and begin to grasp the complexity of their adoption stories. This is often when ambiguous loss and loyalty conflicts become more prominent.

Questions arise:

“Who do I look like?”

“Why didn’t they keep me?”

“Was something wrong with me?”

This is often the stage where grief surfaces more consciously—even if it’s not recognized as such. It can also be a time of comparing themselves to peers who aren’t adopted, noticing physical, racial, or cultural differences between themselves and their adoptive family, or feeling isolated in their experiences.

📓 adolescent years:

Adolescence is a critical stage for identity development. For adoptees, this process can be especially complicated.

Many begin to question not only who they are, but:

where they come from

why they were placed

what parts of their story they’ve never been told

Clinically, it’s common for teens to experience a resurgence of grief, sometimes alongside anger, confusion, or a strong desire for independence. Some begin to explore search and reunion. Others struggle with split loyalties—feeling torn between the family that raised them and the family they don’t know.

This stage can be particularly difficult if adoptive parents aren’t comfortable talking about the hard parts of adoption. Teens may feel like their questions or grief are a betrayal, which can intensify emotional reactivity, secrecy, or anxiety.

💼 emerging adulthood:

The late teens and 20s are full of transitions: leaving home, starting college, navigating relationships, maybe starting a family of your own.

For many, this transition triggers a deeper reflection on their adoption. This is also a time when adoptees may confront the impact of adoption on mental health, including anxiety, depression, attachment wounds, or feelings of not belonging.Some begin searching for birth family. Others return to earlier questions with new insight:

“What does family mean to me?”

“How has adoption shaped how I connect with others?”

“What wounds am I still carrying?”

Therapy often becomes a space where adoptees finally feel safe enough to explore these questions, free from expectations or judgment. They may begin to understand patterns in relationships—such as fear of abandonment, difficulty trusting others, or feeling like they need to earn their place.

It’s also a time when disenfranchised grief can become more pronounced, especially if others assume adoption is no longer relevant. But for many adoptees, it’s more relevant—because now they’re naming the things they’ve always felt.

🧑‍🧑‍🧒 adulthood & parenting:

Becoming a parent, or even just considering it, can bring a tidal wave of emotion for adoptees. It may be the first time an adoptee is biologically connected to another human being—or it may bring up fears rooted in their own early separation.

Even adoptees who don’t parent often return to their stories during adulthood, seeking greater clarity, healing, or connection. Some revisit therapy. Some deepen or begin relationships with birth family. Others reframe their experience through writing, advocacy, or storytelling.

the story that keeps unfolding

Understanding the developmental impact of adoption helps us move beyond the idea that adoption is a one-time event to be “moved on” or “healed” from.

Instead, we can see it for what it is: an evolving experience that intersects with identity, relationships, and emotional health across a lifetime.

When we recognize the ripple effect of adoption, we make space for adoptees to explore their full story—without pressure to tie it up neatly or stay silent about the grief, confusion, or contradictions that can come with it. Every stage brings new meaning-making, and healing often looks like returning to the same questions with new insight, support, and language.

Adoptees deserve space to revisit, reprocess, and redefine what adoption means to them—at any age, and on their own terms.