this loss doesn’t come with flowers

If you’re an adoptee and have ever felt grief that’s hard to explain—grief without a clear reason, grief that others brush off, grief that lingers silently—you’re not imagining it.

There’s a name for it: disenfranchised grief.

And if no one has ever talked to you about this before, you’re not alone.

💭 what is disenfranchised grief?

Coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka, disenfranchised grief refers to grief that is not recognized, validated, or supported by society. It’s the kind of loss that doesn’t come with public rituals, sympathy cards, or open acknowledgment. And yet, it’s very real.

🧩 what adoptees grieve

Adoption is often described in terms of gain—a new family, a better life, a fresh start. But that story doesn’t leave much room for what was lost.

The loss of your birth parents—even if you never met them.

The loss of being raised in your family of origin.

The loss of potential relationships with siblings or other biological family members.

The loss of cultural or racial connections.

The loss of medical or genetic history.

The loss of genetic mirroring those around you.

The loss of a coherent narrative.

The loss of control and consent.

The loss of being seen and understood without having to explain yourself.

These losses are often silent. You may not be able to talk about them without being told “but you’re so much better off.”

You may not even fully realize what you’re grieving—just that something feels unsettled or incomplete.

That’s what makes disenfranchised grief so difficult. It's not just the loss itself, but the silence surrounding it.

💔 how disenfranchised grief shows up

Disenfranchised grief doesn’t always announce itself clearly. It’s often subtle, misunderstood, or misdiagnosed. For adoptees, it can show up in ways that don’t immediately look like grief—but are rooted in it. Because this grief is so rarely named or supported, it often comes out sideways.

Here are some common ways it may manifest:

emotional patterns: emptiness, numbness, guilt or shame, anxiety, hypervigilance, or anger

relational struggles: difficulty with intimacy, distrust, conflict around loyalty, a sense of isolation

identity confusion: not knowing where you belong, a fragmented sense of self, trying to fill in the blanks, feeling different

You don’t need permission to grieve.

Grief is not a betrayal of your adoptive family. It’s not a rejection of your life now. It’s a human response to what’s been lost—even if that loss happened before you had words for it.

Naming your grief doesn’t make you weak or ungrateful. It makes you honest. And healing can’t happen without honesty.